Sunday morning. Meditation going well, I think, though it is hard to stop the weheel of thought. I feel clearer and more focussed and… happier.
Steve Collier’s party last night, rode with Luann. Here is her email of this morning.
How is it that we can talk about other people’s relationships but I find it
so hard to tell you how I feel?
Well, here is how I feel.
After several months of adjustment and tears and learning to live by and
with myself, I have finally found a little peace. It really came to me when
I was driving back from Houston last weekend. But it has taken a lot to get
to this place. I’ve dealt with a lot of self doubt, confusion and a great
big emptiness. It’s as if I have been paying penance for my bad deeds. I am
not feeling sorry for myself, but I think these past few months have been
the saddest time of my life. I am so tired of being sad. I want to be happy
and I suppose I was relying on you to make me happy in some ways. I now know
that it has to come from within. I am good at pretending to be happy, when
deep down I know that I am often not.
I feel so focused sometimes, especially when I look at some people who are
fumbling, and think that I have my act together. But I don’t necessarily
feel like my life has any meaning. Where am I going? What am I doing? Is the
path I’m on going to get me anywhere?
I must confess I am a little envious of your kundalini training. You have
found something that gives you hope and pleasure and understanding and a
much gentler spirit than I have ever known you to have. It is wonderful.
I do miss you, though a little less each day. Mostly I miss sharing things
with you and traveling with you. Things have more meaning when I can share
them with you. I feel this great calmness with you that I don’t feel with
anyone else. I am glad we are still friends… it’s almost amazing that we
So I will close by saying that I have no regrets. Wish me happiness as I
wish it upon you.
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